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September 15, 2007 September 15, 2007

Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.
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Pluto transcendiliates Sagittarius: By striking today while the arrow is hot, you will accrue great benefits to your descendants living in darkness. On the other hand, you could get burned by the arrow.

Saturn mercatorizes through Capricorn: Chuck has left Tilda for Marisa. (Not that Chuck and Tilda. They’re dead, remember? It’s the other Chuck and Tilda.) Unfortunately for Chuck, Marisa is a kleptomaniac and a sex junkie. She steals the contents of a bank, forcing Chuck to follow her into the wilds of the Amazon to escape the cops, and then sells him to a female shaman while she (Marisa) runs off with a couple of jungle studs. No good can come of this, but Chuck and Marisa have interesting lives.

Mercury regurgulates Neptune in Virgo: The unfortunate, or fortunate, Tilda goes on an eating binge after Chuck leaves her. Then she gets herself together, loses two hundred pounds, and pursues a successful career as a bikini taxi driver in Las Vegas. She will fall madly in love with you on your next trip to Vegas, but as soon as you leave the taxi she’ll forget you. She has gained wisdom.

Venus dilatorizes Mars: Asteroid X, disturbed by the unethical behavior of Planet X, clips a piece of Venus, which sails into Earth’s orbit and plunges into giant methane beds under the Arctic Ocean. Vast amounts of methane rise violently to the surface where an unwary Eskimo lights a cigarette, thus igniting the methane, melting the last of the polar ice pack, heating the atmosphere immediately to where it would have been in two hundred more years of global warming. Seas rise. Cities die. Humans kill politicians. Civilization falls. Antarctica blooms and the remainder of the human race settles there, but they are attacked by vast hordes of pissed-off penguins and the human race finally comes to an end. The penguins, saved from extinction by the new food supply of dead humans, go on to become dinosaurs and retake the earth. Harmony reigns once more.

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