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September 10, 2007 September 10, 2007

Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.
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Eris gets perky with Venus: You will have a romantic encounter today with a clerk at Wal-Mart. The manager will take exception and will have you both arrested, after you restore the shelves in the bedding section to their previous condition. In the future you will do well to remember that bedding is a noun in Wal-Mart, not a verb.

Mars prenumerates Saturn squaring Neptune: Peyton, disgruntled with his work as a manhole cover washer, disaffected from his obese wife and shallow children, runs away with the somewhat less fat and considerably more cheery widow from down the street. In Las Vegas he gets a good job washing cars. The widow is so happy she loses weight and becomes a highly successful poker dealer. Peyton’s abandoned wife soldiers on, becoming a moderately successful Sumo wrestler in Seattle.

Mercury predates Jupiter and two asteroids: A woman in a burqa robs a bank in a small Midwestern town being depopulated by drought and lack of opportunity. The residents take the opportunity to kill every Muslim in town, but then discover they were being lied to by Republicans and that there were no Muslims within 200 miles. They return to their primary occupation, grumbling about the weather.

Pluto debates Eris: Pluto’s moon, Charon, annoyed at the astronomical demotion, will slip into a local wormhole and smash into the Earth’s Moon, shattering it at 11:10 this morning. Tides on Earth will become completely disrupted and tidal flows will destroy several coastlines over the next week or so until the oceans stop oscillating. Millions will die. FEMA will fail. Bush will deny the Moon is broken. Rioting will consume several cities. Charon, pulverized, dies happy. Greek mythology will become a major and compulsory offering of all schools in the United States.

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