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September 9, 2007 September 9, 2007

Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.
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Planet X intubates Mars: The world will watch in horror as an American television anchor, one of the cute ones, confesses on-air that she does fluff and pretends it’s hard news. She will be fired and whisked away to an asylum.

Saturn vitiates Venus: You will have serious trouble with your neighbor today, but the judge will reduce your sentence to five years and probation.

Pluto in contumation with Neptune and Eris: Morty and Marzilla, having extended their credit cards well beyond what they or their descendants can ever possibly repay, decide to divorce and each marry a rich partner whom they can kill for the inheritance and then remarry. However, they change their minds because the thought of being apart is too painful. Instead they choose sensibly to embark on a countrywide spree of blowing up credit card company offices. They will ultimately take refuge in Northern Idaho where they will be killed in error by rogue, homophobic Mounties.

Uranus trigonometrizes Mercury: A crack deep in the earth’s crust, adjacent to the mantle, widens significantly, allowing magma and gas to rise violently towards the surface. The magma collects under Boston, spreads laterally to Chicago, and then erupts onto the surface all the way between the two cities and flows South to the Gulf of Mexico, killing everything in its path between the Mississippi and the Atlantic Coast, sparing only Cape Cod. Canada is not harmed, but closes its borders to suddenly impoverished Americans. Mexico sends food and blankets.

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