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July 17, 2007 July 17, 2007

Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.
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Cancer triangulates Cancer in opposition to Cancer: You forgot your mother’s birthday because she told you not to get her anything and you believed her. She made you breakfast this morning. You are feeling sick. You can take comfort in knowing that the police will quickly discover the poison she used and that she will spend the rest of her life in prison with other irritable old people.

Planet X undulates Virgo: You will meet a pretty stripper on your lunch hour. Have a nice day.

Jupiter sibilates Saturn in Gemini: The ancient poet Homer will be found alive and well in the mountains of Greece near Sparta. He attributes his long life to granola and yogurt, and two Turkish cigarettes a day. He claims he was never blind but pretended to be so that people would give him money and cigarettes. Carbon dating proves that he is indeed four thousand years old, but he would rather date some young women.

Pluto meridilates Eris: A copy of The Iliad falls out of a tenth story window in Chicago, where it hits a taxi’s windshield. The driver, distracted, plows into a sidewalk kiosk, killing several annoying people. A mob forms and hurls the cab over a nearby bridge, where it lands on a passing freight train loaded with volatile chemicals. The train derails, the chemical cars rupture, their contents mix in the damp atmosphere and explode, taking out most of downtown Chicago and several hundred thousand people. The Cubs game is rescheduled for tomorrow.

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