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July 16, 2007 July 16, 2007

Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.
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Planet X demythologizes Solar System: You will have a difficult time with your relationships today. The blonde in the next cubicle, you know, the hottie you’ve been trying to score for two months, will file a harassment claim with management against you. Apparently you forgot to put cream in her coffee Friday. No, that’s not a euphemism.

Jupiter in gollygee with Pluto in Cancer: Chuck and Tilda will set out on their vacation today in their new RV. They will be robbed and left stranded on a mountain road. Not exactly a couple of profound thinkers, they will set out on a path of revenge, and by the time they are done twenty-seven bandits, fourteen killers, nine rapists, and a pickpocket will have been killed. They will be given a medal of freedom just moments before they are executed by the state.

Mars sexualates Venus in Gemini: A person you look up to, who has mentored and guided you through your adult life, will reveal that she has feet of clay. She tells you they’ll be amputated tomorrow, and will ask you if you’ll take care of her cat and Chihuahua.

Neptune demodulates Titan and Enceladus: A teenage girl in New York City, upset and weepy over losing her virginity to her suddenly bored boyfriend last night, will take shelter outside a power substation. In a fit of rage she will throw her panties over the fence, and they will land on a starling. The frightened bird will fly up, panties and all, and the panties will fall off, landing on a critical component, shorting out power in the substation and triggering a cascade that the power company managers have assured the state, and who will assure the state, can’t happen. It does, and in a matter of three minutes the entire eastern half of the country will become an electricity-free zone for two weeks. Riots will follow. Six supreme court justices will be beaten to death by mobs. The Senate, the House, and the White House will be burned to the ground. Laura Bush will be forced to work in a McDonald’s for ten years. George Bush and Dick Cheney will be put to work, naked, making sneakers in a sweatshop in downtown Baghdad. No real people will be harmed during this lengthy period of real anti-terrorism.

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