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July 14, 2007 July 14, 2007

Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Hefner, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Playmate, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.

Mars mogulates Venus in Cancer: You will become confused. Your overweight, frumpy, dumpy girlfriend is away for the weekend visiting relatives. The brunette bombshell next door is all come hither. You need to be aware of facts of which you are not aware. She’s a DEA agent running a sting. You have been chosen as the target. Your chubby girlfriend is in on it. She knows about the redhead last year.

Jupiter mercatorizes Saturn’s Rings: Will and Xyla decide to move up in the world. They will no longer rob convenience stores, but will now accept challenges from small banks as part of their graduated lifestyle plan.

Mercury demonitrates the Sun: Your rat race will become more difficult after the weekend. In the name of productivity your company will fire half its employees, letting the remainder add to their workload the work of the departed. Productivity therefore doubles. The company’s stock price will rise. The bosses will make money. You will suffer increasing stress and declining health. One day you will stand on your desk and shout “Union!” Your co-workers will cower. You will be fired. Choose.

Pluto and Uranus plink Titan: One of Hugh Hefner’s blond bedmates will get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. She will accidentally trip a faulty switch with her right breast, leading to a complete power failure in the mansion. Two young men with binoculars, spying on the mansion and the dames, will lose their balance in the darkness and fall out of their tree. The binoculars will fly out of their hands and hit a nearby power line, shorting it and throwing the entire region into a massive power failure with surges so severe that several power transfer stations will explode. The blackout will last for thirteen days. Thousands will die in the summer heat. The blond bedmate will not be harmed, though she will get off on the darkness and Hugh will get very tired.



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