July 11, 2007

Pluto bernankes the Sun: A dark cloud will fall on your bank account today. A storm cloud will pour rain on the bank and a leak in the bank’s roof will spill three drops of water into the central computer. A short circuit will remove three dollars from your account. Naturally, you will be charged for an overdraft.

Titan sweeps Cancer: The girl at the bubble gum store will reject your advances and tell you to stop stalking her. You will find well-chewed bubble gum on the seat of your tricycle. She does not secretly love you.

Planet X sublimates Venus: Due to an unusual confluence of counterintuitive contrary-wise planetary influences and hang-ups, you aren’t going to get any for seven years.

Asteroid Gravedigger mungulates Asteroid Jane: A large piece of Asteroid Jane, about the size of a big mountain, will land quietly in the Himalayas. Six hundred people due to reach the peak of Mount Everest will be unaware that they are actually on the asteroid. For the rest of their lives they will be lying about climbing Everest. The secret lie will eat away at their souls and in time they will all die.