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July 3, 2007 July 3, 2007

Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.

Neptune masks Planet X. Your cat, in a conspiracy with your goldfish, will jigger your cellphone to allow it to make calls to the Middle East, where your cat has relatives and ancestors. You will be unable to explain this to the Homeland Security agents who arrest you in your bed at 3:13 a.m.

Jupiter snarfs Phobos. Three brains will be stolen from the local morgue. They will conspire against their kidnappers, telepathically forcing them to take the brains to a cryogenic facility, where all will live happily ever after.

Uranus fades Pluto in Scorpio. An alien will visit your neighborhood, in disguise, of course. Your wife will fall for him, or her, or it, and run off to Vegas to divorce you and marry the alien. They will raise two children on Mars. The children will return to Earth and conquer it next Tuesday.

Sagittarius connipts Scorpio. An earthquake on the Mid-Atlantic ridge today will set up resonances that will cause major earth subsidences in the Russian steppes and downtown Paris. No one will be harmed in the steppes, though some Russian literature hidden there will be lost forever. In Paris the Eiffel Tower will be swallowed whole, but authorities will replace it overnight with a plastic replica, and tell everyone that the Tower was always made of plastic.



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