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Sunday March 23, 2008 March 23, 2008

Posted by Ric in Today's Horoscope.
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Ariel quaternates Io in Gemini: You will witness a rare event in church today. While the priest is going on about Easter the one ton crucifix will tear loose from its moorings and fall on him. He will not resurrect.

Mars septuvialates Enceladus in Capricorn: Juan and Maria discover that their live-in English housekeeper has seduced their seventeen year old son and run off with him. Juan traces them as far as Vegas and then loses track. Sometime later Maria’s relatives in Central America will report sighting a young man traveling with a young Englishwoman, and leading a band of armed guerillas in a battle against corrupt police. Despite numerous such sightings Juan and Maria never see their son again. Juan never tells his wife that he was having an affair with the nanny.

Pluto nonaliates Neptune in Scorpio: Your significant other will become insignificant when you see the new neighbor.

Mars unolates Mercury in Aries: A band of psychotic Israelis steal a small nuclear weapon and detonate it off the coast of Tel Aviv. Thousands die. The United States and Israel unleash their nuclear arsenals on Iran. Millions die. Russia unleashes its nuclear missiles against the United States. A hundred million die. China bombs Russia. More tens of millions die. The Pope gives an emergency speech in Latin asking God to bring peace. Everybody bombs the Vatican. Global warming ceases to be an issue. The oil crisis ends. Britain once again becomes a superpower, ruling nothing. Life mutates and goes on. Nobody in the next galaxy cares.

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Saturday March 22, 2008 March 21, 2008

Posted by Ric in Uncategorized.
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Miranda delockulizes Saturn in Leo: When you get home from a full day of partying, you will find the front door wide open. No house. Just the front door. Your wife will burn the place to the ground rather than listen to any more of your jock stories from the Saturday gatherings.

Callisto flockharts Charon in Taurus: Lemuel decides to avoid all the hassle of divorce and lawyers and recriminations. He picks up a woman of questionable reputation but excellent looks at a bar downtown, does satisfying things with her and to her in a moderately priced motel room, texts his wife about what he has done, apologizes and leaves town. Arriving in Vegas he gets a job as a room clerk, and then as a pit boss, living quite contentedly thereafter. His wife divorces him in absentia and takes up with the woman Lemuel took to the motel. They have some good laughs and a satisfying relationship for quite some years.

Adrastea inlockulates Thebe in Scorpio: You will win millions on a lottery ticket you buy today, assuming you buy a winning ticket. Otherwise, no one will care.

Kalyke relockaliates Mercury in Aquarius: A small, nameless nation in Southeast Asia, having secretly developed an atomic bomb with the help of Pakistan and the Internet and a couple of savvy high school students, transports the bomb by ship to the Marianas Trench, thinking to test it at the bottom of the trench, some 36,000 feet down, at 1:14 this afternoon. They assume no one will notice an explosion under all that water. Unfortunately the bomb blows a hole in the thin crust of the Earth in the Trench, precipitating a mantle eruption similar to the Siberian Traps and the Deccan Traps in India, but considerably more violent, hurling out more material and gases in a short time than the Traps did over millions of years. By 5:30 p.m., EST, everyone in Asia will be dead, and by 10:38 p.m. the world will be dead. Several species of single-celled sea bacteria will survive, along with several thousand members of two species of cockroaches, and several hundred rats, and a bunch of hagfish. The world will not be pretty.

Friday March 21, 2008 March 20, 2008

Posted by Ric in Aries, Gemini, Pisces, Scorpio.
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Planet X decruxilates Mars in Aries: You will be held up in traffic by an Easter Parade and will miss the only chance you’ll ever have to meet the love of your life. Shortly thereafter you will forsake your church and become a Hindu, without quite knowing why.

Uranus cruxalianates Mercury in Pisces: Xander and Crocillus, tired of huddling in their cardboard box under the bridge to survive the cold weather, strike out for the Southland. The couple hops a freight headed god-knows-where, but south, and in the freight car they meet a defrocked preacher. On a whim they have him marry them. When they leave the train in Georgia, five IRS agents meet them and arrest them for failure to pay back taxes. Protesting that they had no income did no good, as the IRS insisted that since they married on the train they must have money and thus earnings and thus they are taxable. They are currently being held in a large Midwestern camp built by Halliburton, awaiting trial, which they have been promised will occur in about ten years.

Iapetus recruxates Iesu in Scorpio: You shouldn’t have told your kids the Easter Bunny isn’t real. They will be arrested today for stealing a shotgun and a pistol from the home of an honest cynic two streets over.

Neptune incruxiniliates Charon in Gemini: A hamster and a gerbil escape their enclosures in a downtown St. Paul pet store. Hiding in the storeroom they get high on fumes from a can of lighter fluid and knock the can over. It spills on a short circuit and ignites. Exploding cans of pet food spread the fire rapidly through the back door, into the alley, and into the buildings adjacent. Soon all of downtown is ablaze and soon all of downtown is nothing but ashes and ruins. The pet store escapes serious damage because the ferrets had the good sense to trigger the sprinkler system. One spider in the back room was singed slightly, but otherwise no animals were harmed.

 

Thursday March 20, 2008 March 19, 2008

Posted by Ric in Today's Horoscope.
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[Note: Wednesday’s horoscope was canceled due to an unusual wishful conflation of the planets Beauty and Beast.]

Mars trilliates Venus in Scorpio: Normally this would be a very sexy day for you but you’re going to be arrested by an ugly, fat, mean cop and you will feel anything but sexy.

Jupiter detrilliates Venus in Taurus: A handsome middle-aged American writer falls madly in love with a beautiful British lawyer considerably younger than himself. Knowing that he can never have her because of time, distance, and money, he sells all he owns and moves to Central America where he foments a revolution in a small country and becomes the President for Life, bringing a progressive revolution to the lives of the people. The gorgeous lawyer, discovering this, decides to surprise the new President, and flies to the country to join the man, whom she secretly loves, but arrives too late, as he succumbs to heartbreak over her the night before she arrives. She returns to England, heartbroken herself, but determined to continue her quest for peace, justice, and beauty, dedicated to the mysterious man she loved. Sigh. 

Saturn retrilliates Venus in Sagittarius: You will bet on a sure thing in the local police-sponsored rat race, acting on a tip from a police sergeant of your acquaintance (your brother). A disgruntled ex-cop shoots your rat as it leaves the gate and you lose thousands. On the positive side, your brother moves out of your basement.

Neptune obtrilliates Venus in Leo: A girl named Harry and a boy named Sue, tired of being the butt of jokes in their small Midwestern American town, plant explosives all over the main street and time them to detonate when the couple is far away in a small Central American country in the midst of a progressive revolution led by an expatriate American writer. The small town vanishes from the face of the earth in the explosion. No rats are harmed. The couple join the revolution but are killed by right-wing radicals who seek a return to the corrupt dictatorship that oppressed the people.

Tuesday March 18, 2008 March 17, 2008

Posted by Ric in Uncategorized.
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Iapetus conjoins Enceladus in Gemini: You will have a unique experience at work today, but will discover afterwards that she is married to a brute.

Mars enjoins Venus in Sagittarius: Lucy and Bubba, lawyers married to different people, while defending a mass murderer during a long trial, fall in love, consummating their torrid affair in a torrid way in a sordid little janitor’s closet on the fifth floor of the courthouse. When the defendant escapes, threatening to get them at some point in their lives, they run away, leaving behind their spouses and establishing themselves as poker dealers in Vegas. When they receive another threat from the killer, they escape to South America where they establish a business in shamanic law deep in the Amazon jungle, working for several tribes of headhunters. They do not retire to a mansion in the south of France.

Mercury joins Venus in Hottub: The number four sparkplug wire in your car will short circuit while you are rushing to get to work. There will be an accident. These two events may not be related.

Neptune rejoins Saturn in Leo: A young boy escapes his mother’s surveillance in the New York Public Library. Having stolen her cigarette lighter during the ride to the Library, he finds an obscure corner among the books and begins to light them. In a short time the entire library is ablaze. Convinced that the fire is a terrorist act, the administration in Washington, seeking a political edge, drops a nuclear bomb on New York. Using a Reichstag scenario, the administration then declares war on all countries ending in -stan, and a few others ending in -an. Unfortunately the political loyalists they hire to program the missiles don’t know what they’re doing and the missiles end up leveling every American city of fifty thousand or more people. George Bush is heard shouting ‘God damn America, you brought this on yourself’ just before he is incinerated along with his entire family and all his relatives and Dick Cheney and all his relatives. The United States is left Bushless and Dickless.

Monday March 17, 2008 March 16, 2008

Posted by Ric in Today's Horoscope.
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Copernicus blisstulates Eris in Capricorn: If you wear green today,  something bad will happen to you.

Charon orgulates Mars in Leo: Mick and Paddy spend the day drinking green beer in a New York bar. The green coloring used in the beer interacts with a certain rare gene, found only in a tiny selection of people of Irish descent. Mick and Paddy left the bar late at night, too drunk to realize that they glowed a phosphorescent green. Their wives kick them out, and after several weeks of wandering they end up in Vegas doing a space alien show.

Mars and Jupiter dilatoriliate the Moon in Gemini: Your best friend will win a lottery prize and you will turn green with envy. Something bad will then happen to you.

Io contemplates Mars in Taurus: This rare event requires philosophers everywhere to take the day off. Denver avoids destruction today.

Sunday March 16, 2008 March 15, 2008

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Neptune quine Uranus in Virgo: You will be happily surprised today. That’s all there is.

Saturn sextine Mercury in Leo: Alan leaves his room for the first time in ten years, venturing away from his books and computer into the real world. He walks to the end of the block, becomes disoriented and lost, and three weeks later ends up in Vegas, where he gets a job making the betting line on professional roller derby. A gorgeous stripper falls madly in love with him and they live happily for several years until the detectives his mother hired find him and try to force him to go back to Maryland. He and Jocelyn, the stripper, run away to South America and forge a life a crime, from which they will successfully retire to a mansion in the south of France.

Mars sestine Pluto in Scorpio: Someone close to you will be hit by a large truck. The settlement will allow both of you to retire to a mansion in the south of France, where you will meet interesting people before you board a faulty jet ski and drown.

Jupiter octine Saturn in Aries: Three field mice, migrating from the barren countryside of Iowa, set up shop in an abandoned lot in downtown Chicago, where they chew through some electrical wires left in place by a secret government organization during the Cold War. The wires, still hot, lead to an abandoned time-shift experiment. A short circuit reactivates the experiment and the city of Chicago disappears from this time into another, a thousand and twenty-three years in the future. The handful of Chicagoans that survive the transit discover they are the only humans left on Earth, and shortly thereafter are killed and eaten by giant rodents. No mice were harmed during this event.

Saturday March 15, 2008 March 14, 2008

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Mercury obnubilates Venus in Pisces: You will die today. Tomorrow you won’t be so lucky.

Eris denticulates in Aquarius trine Martha: Sammy and Hookman head out on a fishing trip in a small boat. They become lost in a fog bank and emerge several hours later so far from shore that they cannot see any lights. Shortly thereafter a rogue wave swamps their boat, hurling them into the water where, close to drowning, they are rescued by mermaids. The mermaids transport them to a cavern on an uncharted island where they have their way with the two men. Sometime later Sammy and Hookman find themselves back on shore, and shortly thereafter they divorce their wives, disown their kids, and spend the rest of their lives looking for the island. They never find it, and they die, drunk and alone except for each other, when several merhusbands drag their boat down a mile off Martha’s Vineyard.

Erinome tristigulates Pluto in Scorpio: You will swallow a new pill from the health food store, and due to the influence of Scorpio and the libidinous action of the pill, you will do something really stupid. You would do well to stay away from small furry animals and the neighbor’s daughter.

Ananke grindbumpulates Carme in Cancer: A stripper in a small after hours club in Hong Kong, having a bad day, slaps away the hand of a wealthy businessman who tugs on her little nothing of a garment. He falls and cracks his head open on a table edge and is taken to the hospital, where it is discovered that he is an incredibly high mucky-muck in the Chinese government. Though he does not recover, he does mutter certain state secrets about access codes, which a Nationalist spy transmits to Taiwan. Taiwan uses the codes to access top secret defense computers in China, rendering them completely useless, and allowing a small Nationalist force to invade and take over the country. China falls. Economic markets around the world collapse. The entire globe sinks into an economic depression the likes of which the world will never see again, because after a few months all the humans die of disease and starvation. The last sound the last human hears is the sound of orangutans clapping.

Friday March 14, 2008 March 13, 2008

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Venus mistaculates the Sun in Libra: Your dreams about the next door neighbor are about the come true. It’s not worth it. She’s actually fifteen.

Enceladus demongrelizes Titan in Gemini: Alice and Zelda run away from their husbands and open a small coffee shop in a small town in Nevada. They hire a shaman to provide a steady flow of water for the shop. He is so successful that both women sleep with him. Their husbands, tracking the women down from their home in Indiana, threaten to kill the shaman. The women, using a spell and a potion from the shaman, kill the husbands, bury them in the back yard and plant flowers and shrubs over the graves. The three killers live happily ever after, and the neighbors complement them on their lovely garden.

Nemesis burgeonates Jupiter in Taurus: You will narrowly escape death today. Tomorrow you won’t be so lucky.

Deimos desmaracizes Charon in Leo: During a cockroach race sponsored by Local #1735829 Thugs and Goons Alliance in an old warehouse in Manhattan this evening, several of the creatures escape. So do some of the cockroaches. The warehouse formerly housed a division of the United States Government’s secret biowarfare research department. The cockroaches trek though leakage from a small container left behind, contaminating themselves with a lethal virus, which they spread quickly among the human population. Within three days everyone in Manhattan dies a bloody, screaming, gross, and really really awful death. The government seals the city, but it will be too late. Everybody in the Western Hemisphere dies. No animals will be harmed. The cockroaches make it through unscathed.

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Thursday March 13, 2008 March 13, 2008

Posted by Ric in Uncategorized.
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Jupiter pisticulating Saturn in Virgo: Today the stars are dead set against horoscopy. And the stars must be obeyed. Jawohl!

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