Your Very Own Highly Personal Daily Horoscope

Enceladus despairs in Scorpio: You should relax at work today. Take some deep breaths. Don’t let the pressure get to you. You will maintain inner calm and energy, which you will need when at the end of the day the boss fires you.

Moon despairs in Taurus: Chesley is run out of his home by his now-crazed wife, who suffers from a wasting brain disease brought on by watching too many soap operas. Mrs. Chesley’s brother, the judge, issues a restraining order against Chesley, leaving him to wander the streets. A sympathetic waitress of long acquaintance takes him home for the night, and convinces him to leave for Vegas in the morning. He does, and develops a successful career as a poker player and gigolo.

Venus despairs in Virgo: You will meet the man of your dreams. You will discover that the sleeping aids you have been using have seriously screwed up your dreams.

Moon despairs in Aries: A cockroach on a building site in Central Midwest America chews on a blasting cap in a shed full of dynamite at 3:04 this afternoon. The dynamite, old and unstable, explodes. As this occurs in the middle of nowhere (by definition, anywhere in the Midwest) no one is harmed. However, the blast does penetrate deep enough to trigger the New Madrid fault, which cascades into a 9.5 series of earthquakes which destroy the major cities in several states, block the Mississippi and send it careening over its banks for a thousand miles, kill several million people, and leads to the economic devastation of the United States. Iran and Mexico send blankets and food. Britain sends regrets. Iraq sends the American army home. The cockroach is not harmed and starts a family in the rubble.