Your Very Own Highly Personal Daily Horoscope

Enceladus despairs in Scorpio: You should relax at work today. Take some deep breaths. Don’t let the pressure get to you. You will maintain inner calm and energy, which you will need when at the end of the day the boss fires you.

Moon despairs in Taurus: Chesley is run out of his home by his now-crazed wife, who suffers from a wasting brain disease brought on by watching too many soap operas. Mrs. Chesley’s brother, the judge, issues a restraining order against Chesley, leaving him to wander the streets. A sympathetic waitress of long acquaintance takes him home for the night, and convinces him to leave for Vegas in the morning. He does, and develops a successful career as a poker player and gigolo.

Venus despairs in Virgo: You will meet the man of your dreams. You will discover that the sleeping aids you have been using have seriously screwed up your dreams.

Moon despairs in Aries: A cockroach on a building site in Central Midwest America chews on a blasting cap in a shed full of dynamite at 3:04 this afternoon. The dynamite, old and unstable, explodes. As this occurs in the middle of nowhere (by definition, anywhere in the Midwest) no one is harmed. However, the blast does penetrate deep enough to trigger the New Madrid fault, which cascades into a 9.5 series of earthquakes which destroy the major cities in several states, block the Mississippi and send it careening over its banks for a thousand miles, kill several million people, and leads to the economic devastation of the United States. Iran and Mexico send blankets and food. Britain sends regrets. Iraq sends the American army home. The cockroach is not harmed and starts a family in the rubble.

Mars promugulates Aries: You will have a peak experience today, unlike anything else that has ever happened to you in life. Fortunately the emergency room will have the right drugs on hand to save you.

Gemini gestatulates via Neptune: Xavier and Josephine, having spent their life savings in search of religious bliss, take what little money they have left following the foreclosure of their home and repossession of their car and the loss of everything else, and purchase a tent and camping equipment. They head off into the Sierra Nevada to live, where a grizzly bear helps them find god.

Saturn demurgulates Libra: Today you will meet the love of your life, your soulmate, your destiny. It will happen while you are doing your daily sudoku puzzle and you won’t even notice.

Leo and Libra pongulate Uranus: A major rockslide involving half a mountain in the Himalayas sets up a resonant vibration throughout the mountain range, beginning at 2 o’clock this afternoon. The vibration ultimately unleashes a series of violent earthquakes that shear the Indian subcontinent from Asia, and flooding the zone of separation with the Indian Ocean. Millions die immediately. Millions more die later of starvation and disease. The subcontinent will slowly subside into the sea and the destruction will be complete by Tuesday.

Virgo contratends Scorpio via Saturn: You will meet an actual virgin today, of the opposite sex. It will be the person wearing red. Pretend not to notice.

Jupiter intendulates within Cancer: Merlin and Martha, strangers to each other, will be kicked out of their respective homes today for expressing an interest in sex education. Their homes are not filled with intelligent or enlightened people, nor are Merlin and Martha the brightest bulbs. They meet on the street after midnight and commiserate. Finding that they have much in common they pool their meager savings, go to an all night bookstore and buy a copy of The Joy of Sex. They will find the next week together to be rather interesting.

Planet X detendrates Venus: You will meet a short dark strange person. Cross to the other side of the street. He’s too weird for words.

Asteroid W extends through Taurus: A year ago a weak gas pipe under the city of Phoenix began seeping gas into the soil. A huge amount of it has built up and at 6:08 this evening a homeless person will light a cigarette in the vicinity. The gas will ignite explosively over an area of one square mile, lifting that entire portion of the city fifty feet into the air and then burning it to a cinder. Lots and lots of people die. After the fire is out and some semblance of normalcy returns, the city fathers will ban homeless people from smoking cigarettes. Extensive police resources will be devoted to enforcing the ban. Crime wave to follow. Tape at eleven.

Pluto transcendiliates Sagittarius: By striking today while the arrow is hot, you will accrue great benefits to your descendants living in darkness. On the other hand, you could get burned by the arrow.

Saturn mercatorizes through Capricorn: Chuck has left Tilda for Marisa. (Not that Chuck and Tilda. They’re dead, remember? It’s the other Chuck and Tilda.) Unfortunately for Chuck, Marisa is a kleptomaniac and a sex junkie. She steals the contents of a bank, forcing Chuck to follow her into the wilds of the Amazon to escape the cops, and then sells him to a female shaman while she (Marisa) runs off with a couple of jungle studs. No good can come of this, but Chuck and Marisa have interesting lives.

Mercury regurgulates Neptune in Virgo: The unfortunate, or fortunate, Tilda goes on an eating binge after Chuck leaves her. Then she gets herself together, loses two hundred pounds, and pursues a successful career as a bikini taxi driver in Las Vegas. She will fall madly in love with you on your next trip to Vegas, but as soon as you leave the taxi she’ll forget you. She has gained wisdom.

Venus dilatorizes Mars: Asteroid X, disturbed by the unethical behavior of Planet X, clips a piece of Venus, which sails into Earth’s orbit and plunges into giant methane beds under the Arctic Ocean. Vast amounts of methane rise violently to the surface where an unwary Eskimo lights a cigarette, thus igniting the methane, melting the last of the polar ice pack, heating the atmosphere immediately to where it would have been in two hundred more years of global warming. Seas rise. Cities die. Humans kill politicians. Civilization falls. Antarctica blooms and the remainder of the human race settles there, but they are attacked by vast hordes of pissed-off penguins and the human race finally comes to an end. The penguins, saved from extinction by the new food supply of dead humans, go on to become dinosaurs and retake the earth. Harmony reigns once more.

Mercury niggiliates Saturn tertiating Planet X: Today Friday the thirteenth falls on Thursday, further proving the theory that the Universe is out of joint.

Triton pilusticates Pluto: Minerva and Alice head to Seattle to get some rain. On the way they stop at a small farm stand in the Midwest. They think it’s charming and consider buying it and settling there. Fortunately they talk themselves out of the idea in about twelve seconds, and continue on to Seattle where they lead interesting, exciting lives as fortune tellers and ersatz Gypsies.

Moon burqas Sun: A small town on the East Coast will suddenly go dark due to an unexplained occurrence around the Sun. It will stay dark for twenty-seven years. The people will leave, except for a few hangers-on who take to wearing capes and false vampire teeth for the tourist trade.

Mars biliates Phobos and Deimos: Due to the trilateral influence of these three bodies, a potential collision between a rogue asteroid and the Earth is averted. Nothing happens. Nobody dies. Not even a hangnail happens.

Jupiter immaculates Pluto: You will fall in love with an Italian prince this week and it will feel like you’ve been the victim of a smack in the belly. But a nice smack.

Neptune demarginalates Mercury: Olly and Olive, having saved all year to go to the Rugby World Cup in France, successfully get there and have a great time. They have such a great time that when Cup play is finished they will get married after fifty-seven years of living together and raising six kids.

Asteroid X undulates with Triton: A gang of white suburban teenagers attack a homeless man downtown in a major East Coast city. Just for laughs they seek to beat him within an inch of his life. Unfortunately for them he is a special forces veteran who is royally pissed off at being homeless after three battle tours of Iraq while these kids sat on their asses. Rumor has it that the kids will be out of the hospital in three or four months and will face charges. The vet is not charged. He remains homeless for another year.

Eris titrates Charon: A mouse, narrowly escaping a trap set behind a restaurant, races through the restaurant kitchen, frightening a new Chinese cook who stumbles against a gas valve. The valve breaks, releasing a huge amount of gas. The restaurant blows up and the fire spreads rapidly through the block of downtown buildings which are already extra crispy because of the drought, which also has caused a water shortage and low water pressure, defeating firefighters. The fire spreads from block to block until the entire city is ablaze. Several hundred people survive. Almost a million die. The mouse is not harmed.

Jupiter noodges Saturn, reprobate in Virgo: A horny middle-aged man, at the dentist to have his teeth cleaned by the gorgeous hygienist, proposes marriage to her. She agrees and the two of them fly to Vegas where she divorces her husband and they live a passionate life thereafter, until he loses his teeth and she runs off with a blackjack dealer.

Mercury flips Pluto: You will enter a dark time in your life. Very dark. You will feel considerable panic and anxiety over this matter. But after a while you will realize you have sleepwalked into a closet and your panic will subside until you realize you are locked in and everyone else has left for several days vacation.

Asteroid X bogarts Triton: Little pieces of Triton will fly off and strike the gaseous surface of Jupiter, setting off violent explosions visible on earth. An amateur astronomer, somewhat deranged, sees the flashes, determines that Jupiter is exploding and that Earth is doomed. He attacks the luscious woman astrophysicist next door, who decides not to prosecute when she figures out what’s going on. They get married and live pretty cheerily ever after.

Asteroid Y vafongulates Neptune: A rogue two-year-old infant escapes his mother in Central Park, and is caught hours later by a strange woman who starts to run with him. She slips on an orange peel and drops the kid into an open construction trench, where he falls onto a couple of high voltage lines and is electrocuted, throwing most of the city into darkness. The power failure interrupts a bank robbery, causing the robbers to mis-time their explosive charges at the vault, leading to the collapse of the building, which knocks down another building, and so on. Thirty-seven buildings fall before it’s all over. The mother of the infant is charged with negligence, child abandonment, operation of an explosive device, and destruction of private property. The infant is charged with the deaths of the people in the buildings, but the prosecutor, in a fit of kindness, drops all charges on learning that the kid died in the trench.

Eris gets perky with Venus: You will have a romantic encounter today with a clerk at Wal-Mart. The manager will take exception and will have you both arrested, after you restore the shelves in the bedding section to their previous condition. In the future you will do well to remember that bedding is a noun in Wal-Mart, not a verb.

Mars prenumerates Saturn squaring Neptune: Peyton, disgruntled with his work as a manhole cover washer, disaffected from his obese wife and shallow children, runs away with the somewhat less fat and considerably more cheery widow from down the street. In Las Vegas he gets a good job washing cars. The widow is so happy she loses weight and becomes a highly successful poker dealer. Peyton’s abandoned wife soldiers on, becoming a moderately successful Sumo wrestler in Seattle.

Mercury predates Jupiter and two asteroids: A woman in a burqa robs a bank in a small Midwestern town being depopulated by drought and lack of opportunity. The residents take the opportunity to kill every Muslim in town, but then discover they were being lied to by Republicans and that there were no Muslims within 200 miles. They return to their primary occupation, grumbling about the weather.

Pluto debates Eris: Pluto’s moon, Charon, annoyed at the astronomical demotion, will slip into a local wormhole and smash into the Earth’s Moon, shattering it at 11:10 this morning. Tides on Earth will become completely disrupted and tidal flows will destroy several coastlines over the next week or so until the oceans stop oscillating. Millions will die. FEMA will fail. Bush will deny the Moon is broken. Rioting will consume several cities. Charon, pulverized, dies happy. Greek mythology will become a major and compulsory offering of all schools in the United States.

Planet X intubates Mars: The world will watch in horror as an American television anchor, one of the cute ones, confesses on-air that she does fluff and pretends it’s hard news. She will be fired and whisked away to an asylum.

Saturn vitiates Venus: You will have serious trouble with your neighbor today, but the judge will reduce your sentence to five years and probation.

Pluto in contumation with Neptune and Eris: Morty and Marzilla, having extended their credit cards well beyond what they or their descendants can ever possibly repay, decide to divorce and each marry a rich partner whom they can kill for the inheritance and then remarry. However, they change their minds because the thought of being apart is too painful. Instead they choose sensibly to embark on a countrywide spree of blowing up credit card company offices. They will ultimately take refuge in Northern Idaho where they will be killed in error by rogue, homophobic Mounties.

Uranus trigonometrizes Mercury: A crack deep in the earth’s crust, adjacent to the mantle, widens significantly, allowing magma and gas to rise violently towards the surface. The magma collects under Boston, spreads laterally to Chicago, and then erupts onto the surface all the way between the two cities and flows South to the Gulf of Mexico, killing everything in its path between the Mississippi and the Atlantic Coast, sparing only Cape Cod. Canada is not harmed, but closes its borders to suddenly impoverished Americans. Mexico sends food and blankets.