August 6, 2007 August 6, 2007
Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.add a comment
Mars retrograde in Sagittarius: A phantom atomic bomb will be dropped on a phantom Japan today, killing hundreds of thousands of phantom civilians. Few real people will notice, fewer still will care. But there will still be sushi.
Planet X speedbumps Venus in Leo: Your girlfriend will do the deli clerk in the back room of the supermarket this afternoon because you complained about the cold cuts she bought there yesterday and blamed her for them not being up to your standards. She will discover that the deli clerk surpasses your standards.
Saturn and Neptune cognosticate Pluto in Leo: A happily married religious couple in the Northwest will decide their marriage is threatened by the move to permit gay marriages. The couple will divorce and each take on a same-sex partner, doing their best to discredit the gay marriage movement by making their partners miserable.
Asteroid X snogs Mercury: The asteroid will clip a piece off of Mercury, sending it hurtling into the Earth’s orbit, from where it will plunge to earth, landing in the middle of Moscow and killing a minor bureaucrat. The bureaucrat’s wife, distraught, upset, furious, believing her husband’s death was a plot by Putin, assassinates the entire Russian leadership. The remaining functionaries take over the government, proclaim a capitalist plot to destroy Russia, and assassinate a fourth cousin twice removed of one of Adam Smith’s descendants. No one notices and the crisis is resolved.
August 5, 2007 August 4, 2007
Posted by Ric in Aquarius, Aries, Capricorn, Earth, Eris, Gemini, Horoscope, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Planet X, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Today's Horoscope, Virgo.add a comment
Saturn postulates Mars in Leo: Your life will take an awkward turn today. On your way to pick up donuts for the staff at work you will turn into a bad neighborhood and find yourself unable to talk the neighbors out of shooting you and stealing your car. Offer to buy them donuts.
Planet X fenestrates Eris: Morton and Charlie decide to leave home today in search of a better future. Their leaving causes quite a tizzy among the medical staff at the home.
Pluto demodulates Venus: The girl next door has a dark side. Laser treatments will take care of it.
Mercury in pronation with Venus: A cat hired to chase mice in a chemical refinery will chase a mouse through an open door that should have been locked. The cat, going by the name of Melba, will unsuccessfully pursue the mouse, going by the name of Malachi, through a sensitive section of the refinery. Malachi will trip a switch and Melba will trip another, a combination never meant to occur, and that will cause several non-volatile chemicals to mix, blowing the plant all to hell and wiping out a major midwestern city. Malachi and Melba both escaped harm and spent a comfortable evening on a nearby hill watching the city burn.
