Your Very Own Highly Personal Daily Horoscope

Cancer triangulates Cancer in opposition to Cancer: You forgot your mother’s birthday because she told you not to get her anything and you believed her. She made you breakfast this morning. You are feeling sick. You can take comfort in knowing that the police will quickly discover the poison she used and that she will spend the rest of her life in prison with other irritable old people.

Planet X undulates Virgo: You will meet a pretty stripper on your lunch hour. Have a nice day.

Jupiter sibilates Saturn in Gemini: The ancient poet Homer will be found alive and well in the mountains of Greece near Sparta. He attributes his long life to granola and yogurt, and two Turkish cigarettes a day. He claims he was never blind but pretended to be so that people would give him money and cigarettes. Carbon dating proves that he is indeed four thousand years old, but he would rather date some young women.

Pluto meridilates Eris: A copy of The Iliad falls out of a tenth story window in Chicago, where it hits a taxi’s windshield. The driver, distracted, plows into a sidewalk kiosk, killing several annoying people. A mob forms and hurls the cab over a nearby bridge, where it lands on a passing freight train loaded with volatile chemicals. The train derails, the chemical cars rupture, their contents mix in the damp atmosphere and explode, taking out most of downtown Chicago and several hundred thousand people. The Cubs game is rescheduled for tomorrow.

Planet X demythologizes Solar System: You will have a difficult time with your relationships today. The blonde in the next cubicle, you know, the hottie you’ve been trying to score for two months, will file a harassment claim with management against you. Apparently you forgot to put cream in her coffee Friday. No, that’s not a euphemism.

Jupiter in gollygee with Pluto in Cancer: Chuck and Tilda will set out on their vacation today in their new RV. They will be robbed and left stranded on a mountain road. Not exactly a couple of profound thinkers, they will set out on a path of revenge, and by the time they are done twenty-seven bandits, fourteen killers, nine rapists, and a pickpocket will have been killed. They will be given a medal of freedom just moments before they are executed by the state.

Mars sexualates Venus in Gemini: A person you look up to, who has mentored and guided you through your adult life, will reveal that she has feet of clay. She tells you they’ll be amputated tomorrow, and will ask you if you’ll take care of her cat and Chihuahua.

Neptune demodulates Titan and Enceladus: A teenage girl in New York City, upset and weepy over losing her virginity to her suddenly bored boyfriend last night, will take shelter outside a power substation. In a fit of rage she will throw her panties over the fence, and they will land on a starling. The frightened bird will fly up, panties and all, and the panties will fall off, landing on a critical component, shorting out power in the substation and triggering a cascade that the power company managers have assured the state, and who will assure the state, can’t happen. It does, and in a matter of three minutes the entire eastern half of the country will become an electricity-free zone for two weeks. Riots will follow. Six supreme court justices will be beaten to death by mobs. The Senate, the House, and the White House will be burned to the ground. Laura Bush will be forced to work in a McDonald’s for ten years. George Bush and Dick Cheney will be put to work, naked, making sneakers in a sweatshop in downtown Baghdad. No real people will be harmed during this lengthy period of real anti-terrorism.

Planet X angulates Mercury: Life will move fast for you today. Way fast. Unfortunately a radar cop will spot you, flag you down, and give you a ticket. Feeling rushed and anxious, you will annoy him and he will shoot out your tires, making you late for work. The day will go downhill from there.

Planet X biangulates Mars: Moira and Steve will have a row at 11 this morning when Steve comes home unexpectedly from work. While they are rowing one of the paddles will fall out of the boat and they will be stranded on the lake for several hours.

Planet X deangulates Jupiter: The people of a small Montana town overrun by rich people and celebrities will have something to cheer about when a poor family moves in and rents Crazy Bill’s old shack at the edge of town. The rich people will be upset and try to have the shack torn down. The townspeople will fight back. Justice will triumph.

Planet X disangulates Neptune in Cancer: A chicken will seek to cross the road in California. The road is a freeway. The time is 4:13 in the afternoon. Drivers will try to dodge the chicken, resulting in a 746-car pileup. The chicken loses only two tailfeathers and succeeds in crossing the road. The thirteen surviving drivers will receive an award from an animal humane society.

Aquarius contravenes Cancer via Mars: When you get home from work you will find a note on the mantelpiece. It’s from your cat, explaining why he left for a better offer. The note doesn’t explain why he took your goldfish with him.

Uranus entangles Neptune: Alice and Zelda will run away from their homes and families and establish a small bookmaking shop in Las Vegas in a small alley off the strip. They will do very well, especially after a stray cat takes up residence in the shop and attracts business. The cat is peculiarly suspicious of anyone approaching his goldfish.

Mars contumulates Virgo: Your daughter runs away from home with an Army general. She’s forty-five. It’s about time.

Jupiter and Saturn arugulate in Leo: This afternoon at 12:02 a deep sea diver using a gas torch on a shipwreck inadvertently ignites a massive methane field off the coast of Florida. The exploding gas rising through the sea creates a major tsunami that completely wipes Florida off the map and messes pretty seriously with Georgia. The accompanying fireball immediately dries out flooded Florida and turns it into a desert. Alligators, escaping the devastated Everglades in vast numbers, fan out over the Gulf of Mexico, take up habitation along the entire coast, and eat tens of thousands of unwary people. New Orleans is abandoned. Mobile Bay is closed permanently. Gasoline prices rise precipitately, sparking a revolt leading to the overthrow of the government. Chaos ensues. Mexico and Canada immediately fence their borders. By 8 tonight Western Civilization will have fallen. The cat with the goldfish will not be harmed.

Pluto bernankes the Sun: A dark cloud will fall on your bank account today. A storm cloud will pour rain on the bank and a leak in the bank’s roof will spill three drops of water into the central computer. A short circuit will remove three dollars from your account. Naturally, you will be charged for an overdraft.

Titan sweeps Cancer: The girl at the bubble gum store will reject your advances and tell you to stop stalking her. You will find well-chewed bubble gum on the seat of your tricycle. She does not secretly love you.

Planet X sublimates Venus: Due to an unusual confluence of counterintuitive contrary-wise planetary influences and hang-ups, you aren’t going to get any for seven years.

Asteroid Gravedigger mungulates Asteroid Jane: A large piece of Asteroid Jane, about the size of a big mountain, will land quietly in the Himalayas. Six hundred people due to reach the peak of Mount Everest will be unaware that they are actually on the asteroid. For the rest of their lives they will be lying about climbing Everest. The secret lie will eat away at their souls and in time they will all die.

Cancer coruscates Planet X. You will feel exceptionally hot today and be very tempted to wear that short skirt to work. Your wife will object, pointing out that you only feel hot because the temperature at 7 a.m. was 97 degrees.

Jupiter pores Gemini. Doreen, shopping for groceries at the corner store, will meet her soulmate in the checkout line. She will know the gentleman is her soulmate, but she will say goodbye and go home to her cat, whom she loves dearly. She will be rewarded by the Cat Gods.

Earth bisexes Saturn in Capricorn. Martin, Doreen’s soulmate, will go home and weep for his lost dreams. He thinks that perhaps things could have been different in the grocery line if only Doreen were not a cat lover or he not a tropical fish lover.

Plutonic perturbations from Asteroid Hera. A lightning strike in Northern Canada will travel seven miles along the ground in the great forests of the north, igniting a vast swath of trees. The smoke will cause more lightning, which will cause more fires, ultimately igniting the oil shale fields in the West, until all of Canada is ablaze. The United States will erect a forty foot fence along he length of the border to keep out the raving hordes of Canadians, to no avail. Ultimately both countries will burn to the ground from coast to coast. Indians will then claim the land and erect casinos for Europeans on the East Coast and Asians on the West Coast. They will hire Mexicans to build and staff the casinos. No animals will be harmed in the fires.

Sic transit gloria mundi. It’s Monday and Gloria will get sick on the rapid transit train again. The conductor will need a new pair of shoes.

Mercury squabbling Jupiter in Cancer. You will have a difficult day. The coffee maker at work doesn’t work. The boss won’t get a new one, won’t fix the old one. Bess, in the next cubicle, will undergo severe caffeine withdrawal symptoms. Really severe. She’ll be arrested. The local Starbucks shut down overnight after a raid by ATF agents. The nearest good coffee is three miles away. You will make it through because you’re smart enough to go to the drugstore across the street and get caffeine pills. Since you won’t tell anybody that’s what you did, you will get a promotion because you’re the only one who keeps a cool head during the coffee crisis.

Saturn singulates Pluto. Your dog, the Chihuahua, not the Pomeranian, will get loose and bite the neighbor next door, you know, the good-looking woman you’ve had the hots for since she moved in. She will think the dog is cute, and will transfer that feeling to you. You’ll get lucky this weekend.

Planet X morganas Comet Madray. Comet Madray will be perturbed from its orbit, which will result in an unnamed black comet hitting the earth at 2:17 this afternoon. Everyone dies. A million years later no one will give a damn.

Planet X retrograde in Gemini. You will have a wonderful time at your birthday party today. It doesn’t matter that it’s not your birthday. People will bring presents. That’s what’s important.

Saturn doctors Venus. A small Montana town will be beset by prostitutes, drawn by rumors of a new gold mine. The religious folk will line up on one side. The horny folk will line up on the other. The hookers don’t care – they’ll take anybody’s money. In a year they will own the town.

Neptune and Uranus in jiggery to Sagittarius. Axelrod and Melba will host a big barbecue at their ranch this afternoon. Two hundred and twenty seven people will show up, eat dead meat and white bread and beans, and have a wonderful time. Tonight Axelrod and Melba, in the midst of making love, will be abducted by aliens. The aliens are annoyed because they weren’t invited to the barbecue, even though they killed the cows used.

Aries folds Jupiter through Taurus. A cockroach will eat through a small, but vital, electrical cable at the major supplier of cable television in New York City and environs this afternoon at 1:48. The failure of the cable will initiate a cascade that shuts down the entire cable for the area, including television, internet, and phone service. Riots will follow. The police will flee the city, which will suffer tens of billions of dollars worth of damage. Recovery will take decades. The national economy will collapse shortly after this incident. The cockroach will not be harmed.