Your Very Own Highly Personal Daily Horoscope

Watch yourself today. Your pal Mike is going to take out an entire McDonalds and then make a run for the border. Since Saturn is negated he’ll be stopped by border guards for trying to smuggle onion rings. Mike will call you for bail money. Tell him no. His retrograde Pluto is telling him to chill and grow up.

Your significant other is going to steal $13.58 from you, but will buy you a nice dinner. Sex is not in the cards.

Someone will try to give you a puppy. Your Venusian and Martian aspects will fight over accepting it. You really need a hamster to make your life complete. Turn down the puppy. Get a hamster. Or a nice rat.

An American city will be completely leveled by a large asteroid at 2:04 this afternoon. Don’t be there. Jupiter is in a bad mood.