Your Very Own Highly Personal Daily Horoscope

Jupiter plunges Gemini. Fourteen old people will get lost in the Rocky Mountains. They will be rescued by a kind bear, who will lead them out of the wilderness, except for the one who insists on being called Senior Citizen. That one will be eaten as a fee for the rescue.

Saturn atones Pluto in Scorpio. You will have to pay the price for that wild sexual fling you had last week with the twenty-one-year-old student. She’ll bill you.

Planet X connubilates Sagittarius. A stranger will move into your town. He has lots of weapons. He is a kind man. You’ll never see him until… well, don’t worry about it until next March.

Comet Y disturbs asteroid belt. Oh, we’re gonna get pounded this afternoon at 5:13. Kiss your BMW goodbye.

Venus tweaks Jupiter. Merle and Erlene will declare their love for each other today. Their love is geniune and deep.

Jupiter fusticates Saturn’s rings. A major newspaper merger will teeter on the edge of success but at the last minute will fail, as someone forgets to debug the newsprint and bugs eat holes in it.

Venus obfusticates Venus. A truly rare astrological event. Nobody knows what it means, but it probably is not a good idea to be in Brooklyn this afternoon.

Planets in Grand Alignment at 5:24 p.m. today. The gravitational forces created by this Grand Alignment will rip the Earth to pieces, leaving nothing but clumps of rock and metal whirling around the Sun. Merle and Erlene will not survive.

All planets, moons, and signs are balanced in perfect counterterror with each other. This makes for a boring day until 10:17 a.m.

Corea and Tommy will run away together this afternoon. Racing to Nevada on Corea’s Harley, the pair will marry there, win ninety thousand dollars from a slot machine, and live happily ever after. Or at least until a large piece of satellite space debris hits their house and smushes the both of them as they are making love on a summer afternoon.

A small town in the Midwest will elect an atheist as Mayor. Townsfolk from surrounding towns, incensed, will burn the offending town to the ground, lynch the Mayor, slaughter the offending voters, and then plead to the court that God made them do it. They will win on appeal.

Dean will be fired today. He will go home and take a nap.

A subterranean branch of the Mississippi River will break through the surface in a mighty gusher and blow two cities completely off the map. Nobody survives. The government tries to hush it up, then claims it was a terrorist incident. They bomb Iran in retaliation. The Arab world invades America, kills everybody, and diverts the Mississippi to the Middle East. Life goes on.

Mercury gomorrahs Mars. The pace of work will pick up, everybody will get edgy and irritable, and someone will put a grenade in the coffeepot. It’s a dud, but by the time SWAT and the bomb squad have been called in, the day will be a loss and everybody can go home early.

Saturn relegates Pluto. A sad day for Grimalda and Sven, as their pet amoeba escapes its cage, slips through a crack in a window and freezes to death in way up north Sweden.

Titan winkies Enceladus. A car full of teenage drunks moons the local police station through the car windows. The car, out of balance due to all the fat buttocks on one side, tips over, and six occupants are rushed to the hospital with severe cases of road rash butt.

Phobos demongulates Deimos. The demongulation happened several days ago, but a chip of Deimos will enter Earth’s atmosphere today at 4:58 this afternoon. It will strike a CIA assassin in Chicago as he prepares to shoot. His missed shot will take out a pair of twin children downtown, leading to hysteria and panic when an angry mob blames the deaths on an Egyptian cab driver who happened to be passing through. He escapes but his cab will be trashed, and the mob and riots will escalate from there, resulting in the complete leveling of the city of Chicago by 6:02 p.m. The assassin escapes notice and receives a promotion for his initiative in promoting studies of urban instability.

Saturn catharsizes Mercury. That little fellow from Colombia, the Juan Valdez stereotype, will be arrested today as an Arab terrorist from a little known group called Qaeda In Your Coffee. It might be best to steer clear of Colombian coffee for a while.

Planet X bugs Pluto. Your girlfriend, the undercover op, not the other one, will ship out tonight on a mission into North Korea to assassinate several low-ranking leaders. Probably not a good idea to ask her to send you a postcard.

Jupiter ascendant in Capricorn. Your rose garden will produce really odd looking roses this year. Remember that Chinese plant food you bought on the cheap?

Saturn, Mars, and Pluto in conference with Mercury. At 3:39 this afternoon a piece of the Antarctic ice sheet the size of Texas will break off the glacier and slide rapidly into the sea. The resulting tsunami will inundate the Atlantic coastlines of South America and Africa. In North America Miami will drown, along with a few other incidental coastal cities like Boston, Charleston, New York and so forth. FEMA will respond. No one will notice.

You will have a good day today. Your toast will land right side up on the floor. Only half your keyboard at work will be disabled when Jerry spills coffee on it. You will be offered a pretty good severance package. When you get home you’ll find a nice note from your wife offering an uncontested divorce. The interesting thing is that there is no good astrological explanation for these events. So, just go with the flow.

Neptune quibbles Uranus. Charlie and Myrtle will have a tremendous fight over who gets the Starbucks card in the divorce settlement. Rather than concede, both decide to continue to be married. They will sue Starbucks for emotional distress.

Venus obnubilates Pluto. Your boyfriend will turn a cold shoulder to you in the coming week. Don’t push him. He’s in quite a bit of pain from his viagralated 76 hour erection. The thought of sex makes him cringe.

Jupiter crunchy with Saturn. The Marianas Trench in the Pacific Ocean will split further, opening a vast, gaping hole in the Earth’s crust. Because of a unique geological condition, sea water will flow into the mantle rather than the usual event of the mantle blowing upwards. The mantle will cool in a chain reaction and the cooling will spread through the interior of the Earth. Global warming will become a distant memory. Instead, we will all freeze to death.

A solstitial week. All things being equal, do not look down at dwarves or up at giants.

Planet X ices Pluto. Your refrigerator will fail and Sears will take three days to get there. Trust the Starlord on that one.

Gary and Griselda, due to an interference between Uranus and Mercury posited by the Moon, will meet at a small computer conference today, fall madly in love, produce three children, of whom two will become homicidal maniacs expressing their urges in the bug extermination business, while the third will become a four-star general in charge of the Internal Christian Armed Forces of the fourth Bush administration. Griselda will assassinate him. Nostradamus didn’t see that one coming.

The Moon in flamenco with the Earth. In mid America the New Madrid fault will rupture at 3:47 this afternoon, hitting 9.3 on the Richter Scale. Most of the Midwest will fall into a giant sinkhole. Casualties will be enormous. America’s financial system will collapse under the strain. The Federal government, unable to deal with the situation, will fall. Mexicans will flood into the area looking for work in reconstruction. Civil war will ensue. By 8 p.m. tonight the United States will be a Chinese dependency.